Back in the late ’60s and early ’70s, before all the tech we have now, we used to hear about how amazing life would be in the future. They promised us robots to mow the lawn, clean the house, and drive our cars. Instant communication was supposed to make everything easier—no more filling out and mailing forms. We would have all this technology and our lives would be a breeze. The future is now; if only the rest were true.
Fast forward to now, and I’ve just spent the last three days—about eight hours—trying to sign my wife up for Medicare. Since we’re both retired (or about to be), we need to get this done. The website claims the process takes 10 minutes. Knowing the government tends to be overoptimistic. I can knock it out in 15 minutes, 30 tops. I had everything ready: Social Security number, Medicare number, driver’s license—whatever they needed, I had it.
Last month, I signed her up for Social Security and Medicare Parts A and B. That was surprisingly easy, and I expected nothing less for the Part D piece. I fired up the laptop; okay, I think that term doesn’t apply to laptops. Way back in the day, the term meant lighting a fire in a furnace or stove to generate heat. Setting a laptop on fire probably wouldn’t be a good idea. Starting a laptop is as easy as lifting the screen from the keyboard and getting to work. Opening it? Unfolding it? Separating? Alright, I’m getting off track.
The first step is finding the right website. I say “right website” because, as with all things involving the U.S. Government, they have a way of making what should be easy difficult. One would think you would go to the same website to get Medicare Part D as you used when you signed up for Part A and B. Of course, that would be the Social Security site. Clicking there, my first choice was signing in. There were two options: Login.gov and Id.me, each requiring the information you previously provided. That was the first problem. I hadn’t used any of these options before. Not a problem; there was an option to sign up. I tried Login.gov. After entering the required information, I was surprised to receive an error message stating that my information was invalid. Okay, Okaym prone to typos; I rechecked the info and re-entered it again. Success, at least temporarily.
The next step was to verify it was me by having them text me. I know what you’re thinking: I probably used my wife’s number since it was her account. Yes, I did, but she (and, by extension, her phone) was at work. Now I could call her, but my wife isn’t allowed to take calls at work, and even if I did, she probably wouldn’t answer. Not to digress too much, but if she calls me and I don’t answer right away, she will become quite angry with me. I could text her, which I did, and she would know to send me the code. Uh, nope. They texted her a link to a website, and she needed to click it. Then I would have to check her email, click the link, and go from there. She was at work, and I had a headache and needed a drink. Signing up would have to wait for the next day.
Since the next day was Saturday, my bride was home. We had this thing licked now. We received the text, we got the link, we went to the website, and then… we had to prove we were real. More accurately, she had to prove she was real, and there have been times when I have wondered. They needed a copy of her official ID or driver’s license. They wanted a picture of her Social Security card. They wanted a picture of her. No problem, we could do that through her phone. After trying to submit them three times, they finally went through, and we were in. Not so fast. It seems that the government says it isn’t her. They won’t tell us who it is. Am I married to the wrong person? “Please resubmit.OkayOk, Okay resubmitted. Still not her. At this point, I started wondering who my real wife was. This wasn’t good because this one is almost trained. This time, we received a message telling us we either had to go to the SSA office or make a virtual visit.
Let’s go for the virtual option. Did I mention that we are dealing with the government here? We tried that option, but (you should know where this is going) we were denied access because they couldn’t verify her identity. So they need us to virtually verify her identity, but we need to verify her identity before we can go to the site we need to be at? Time to wind this up for the day. Once again, my mind wandered to the possibility of a new wife. Could I upgrade to a newer model – one who didn’t need healthcare?
The next day it was do-or-die time. I rehashed all my steps from the previous two sessions. Did I miss something? It seems I did. Scrolling through all the screens, I noticed one button labeled “My Medicare”. I had a medicare number for her. I was in! I could sign her up.
But there is still a lingering question – who am I married to?
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